I went for my four mile walk this morning. Just Liz, Allen and me. It was a perfect day for a leisurely walk. We had to divert our course once we got close to the creek, (the city of Walnut Creek does have a creek named Walnut Creek) because of the multitudes of white flies that were swarming along the trail. So we did a loop around Broadway Plaza instead of going to the bridge at Ygnacio Road. The sky was clear and blue, it hadn't gotten too hot yet and the conversation had us in stitches. We may not be fast, but between the three of us we know how to make each other laugh.

After our walk I came home. I may have the energy to walk 4+ miles but each week I seem to run out of steam a little earlier than the prior week. I took a shower and got ready for shul. That was when I realized I wasn't going to walk there. I just didn't have it in me. And then I wasn't even sure I had it in me to drive. So I checked my email instead. Liz wanted a training schedule for Honolulu. I have been thinking about it and it was time to put it together. Which got me to thinking. In December I'll still be in chemo though just one drug instead of three. My radiation will have been over with for a couple of months. Can I get back into training and run or at least walk the marathon this year? I really, really want to do it but I also don't want to be stupid. I guess what will happen is that I will play it by ear, just see how I feel as the summer progresses and see if I can jump in in September and do the training over a shortened period of time. If I feel like it. That is pretty much what I did last summer and it worked quite well. I may surprise myself. And that, I realize, is what is bugging me. I am not going to try to prove anything to anyone. I won't be running for anyone except myself. If I can do it, I will, if I can't, I won't. And I won't apologize to anyone or myself if it works out that I can't run. I will just accept it and get on with my recovery and do the run next year. Simple thoughts, simple words. Now I will accept that and move on. If that happens I will enjoy being "coach" to anyone who does train. That is part of the training that I always wondered about. How could our coaches and program reps show up every week and watch us run and not feel cheated when the marathon came and they didn't run too? I could never really understand that. They always acted like they enjoyed being on the sidelines, cheering us on, giving us pretzels and water, making us feel like we were so special. If I end up with that job, will I feel cheated? I hope not. I hope I can do the coach thing gracefully and graciously.

The latest pictures are up. The top one is from a Relay for Life event in Tucson. Justine's son, Pat, participated and my name was on one of the luminarias. Thank you for doing this, Pat!
The second picture is the new Logo for Mardie's Walnut Creek Marathon. We are still working on setting a date but don't you just love the new logo, designed by Morgan Dodge.

Chemo: Round 2, part 2

I wake up at some ungodly hour after very short stretches of slumber. I decide to go downstairs and read and before long Andy joins me. We have breakfast, I shower, take my pills and we decide to go on down to Kaiser even if it is early. I check in and wait briefly. My oncologist apparently comes in early too. We talk, she removes the last stitch that refuses to dissolve and can't be pulled out by my gentle tug. It seems the knot is under the skin but Dr. Liu gets it out. She is wonderful! She also says there isn't any reason for me to wear a mask when I go out. yayyy. I really don't like wearing it. It is hard to breathe through it. Now we are sent to the chemotherapy waiting room which is just next door. But I am quite early so we wait until my appointment time. This is not a complaint. I enjoy people watching and am an inveterate eaves dropper. Chemo patients do like to chat with one another. One guy observes my pink bandanna and assures me that he was in my same hair situation last year. He now sports a thick headful of dark curly hair and I should expect the same. I smile and thank him. Finally we are called in. I am weighed and and have gained five pounds. This will not do. Must walk more. Oh, they don't scold me. I am scolding myself.
I get settled in my chemo chair and discover that the chemo nurse is the same nurse my friend Christa had 20 years ago! And she remembers Christa. She explains that Christa was a interesting patient and 20 years ago there weren't many chemo patients so it is easy to remember the special ones. She asks about Christa and is pleased at my report. Then the surprise comes. I am getting all my chemo drugs and I will be self injecting a new drug for seven days! What, no one told about this? Nope, this is news to me. But it is down in the orders. It seems because of my visit to the ER the trials people want me to bolster my white cell count and this new drug Filgrastim (Neupogen) will do that. Yikes, give myself a shot....I don't think so. I panic for a moment. Andy is not going to be able to help me with this, I am sure. What shall I do? Then, in a flash, I realize there is an answer. If she will agree which I think she will. I immediately call my good friend Jane and of course, she is willing, eager and able. Not only was she the Lead library media specialist and my boss at WCSD, but before that she was a nurse! I ask if she would mind coming over to the chemo clinic to listen to the instructions even if she does know what is what. Jane is a dear and says of course. And an hour or so later we sit and get instructions from my chemo nurse. And I'm thinking the chemo nurse could see that Jane was completely okay with giving the shots. Thank you, Jane!
But once again I jump ahead. I had talked Andy into not staying the whole time this time around. Last time I slept through most of the chemo treatment and figured I would do so again. But with the prospect of this new drug injection thrown in and with my talking to other people nearby I never got a chance to sleep. And the routine was a lot shorter this time because they could see that I tolerated a faster drip. After I was released I called Andy to pick me up but warned him that I had to pick up a prescription. By the time I was finished in the pharmacy I could see the old red mustang convertible sitting in the parking lot and this cool looking dude in a driving cap sitting there waiting for me. I jumped into the car and explained the new development with the injections. He agreed that he would not be up to doing it for me and was extremely grateful to Jane. When I got home I was really beat so I took a better than three hour nap. Dinner was already delivered from our next door neighbors and what a feast it was! Just the perfect meal for an after chemo treatment. Thank you, Karen and Kathy! And we also got another delivery of won ton soup and yummy chocolate cake for an off day. What a treat! Thank you Catherine!
Today is now Thursday. I slept better than I expected. Had my cup of coffee and then called Jane to see if she could do the injection. She said come on down, (actually she offered to come up to me but I figured she is doing me the favor and if I can, I will go down to her). She is a very good sticker! No pain at all. I feel as though I already am feeling stronger from this but that must be all in my head. Nothing could work that fast! And so I am into round two and still swinging. This is really okay. I am going to make it in style! I am invincible. I am the slayer!

"Make new friends


but keep the old,


One is silver


and the other is gold"


Does anyone besides me remember that little ditty? I think it must be a Girl Scout song. I know it makes a lovely round. Anyway, it came to my mind a little bit ago. I just finished talking to an old friend of mine. She lives northwest of Chicago, in a spot that is filled with lakes and small woods scattered here and there. I got to visit her a couple of years ago and we had a lovely afternoon talking, laughing and catching up. I met her at the JCC about 28 years ago when her eldest son and my eldest daughter were in preschool together. In the intervening years she has moved a number of times, even out of the country, but we have never lost touch. And just like with Christa, when Pam and I start talking, we just kind of pick up where we last dropped off, even when it has been a couple of years between conversations. She always reminds me of something I said the last time we spoke that makes me feel good about myself. One needs friends like that. So hugs to you, Pam, and hugs to all my friends, everywhere. You are truly loved and appreciated.

Okay, maybe I have learned a lesson. Oh, well maybe not. I'm not sure what lesson I should have learned. What, you ask, is she talking about?


Friday afternoon I was feeling really beat. No energy. Very lethargic. Lynn brought us a fantastic shabbos dinner but I could barely keep my face off the table. I dozed on and off during the evening. I felt a little warm around 9 p.m so I took my temperature but the two "fancy" thermometers gave different readings. Neither, however, was at 100.5. That is the magic number for oncologists. If one is on chemotherapy and one's temperature reaches 100.5 one must call the advice nurse who will instruct you to go to the emergency room. We watched some TV and went to sleep about 10:30. My mouth felt a little tender but I couldn't feel any sores. About 3 a.m.I woke up to a pillow full of slobber. I guess my nose was stuffy and I had been sleeping with my mouth open. I decided to go downstairs and read a little and suck on some ice because now my mouth was feeling very tender. Around 4:30 Andy came downstairs and I took my temperature again. It was exactly 100.5 on the oral thermometer, a little less on the temple one. So I called Kaiser and they told me to come on down. When I arrived I remembered to tell them first thing that I was a chemo patient. With that announcement the registration lady immediately instructed me to put on a face mask and sit to the side where I wouldn't be near anyone. Actually there was hardly anyone there but there were a couple of kids who didn't look like they had broken bones. I felt that these precautions made sense. Within a few minutes the triage nurse beckoned me and took my vitals. I remembered to tell him I am in a clinical trial. My charts are supposedly marked but we are told to advise doctors and nurses when we are in the ER. The nurse kept being summoned by someone else in another room. My impression was that the other person was having a computer problem but I could be wrong about that. He also kept getting interrupted by the phone. Finally I made a remark about how busy he was and he explained that it had been even busier, earlier, when one patient had waited 5 hours to be seen by a doctor. I was surprised and said that I guessed I was lucky since I had hardly waited at all. He assured me that chemo patients get a high priority and that is why my wait was so short. So after the initial interview I was passed into the sub waiting room where I had to wait for an examining room to free up. But they decided they could do some stuff first even if there wasn't an actuve room available. I was put into a section of the ER that wasn't actually is use at that moment. My blood was drawn. I almost asked for someone else to do it but decided to let the guy go ahead. My mistake. He acted very unsure of himself and the jab was painful. Next time, I'm asking for a regular vampire person or lab tech or whatever they are called. Nurses don't always make the best blood drawers. I was also asked to donate a sample of my urine. And then back to the sub waiting room. This time I was half in a gown and still half dressed. The nurse said I could keep my pants on. Before long I was in a part of the ER that was functioning and I was put on a saline drip. My blood pressure was taken again. When I first arrived at Kaiser it had been 101/63. Now it had risen to 111 over 70. More like my normal BP. Finally the doctor arrived and we talked about what was happening. Which was really very little. I had a temperature, my gums were sore and by now I was getting a headache. No I hadn't taken any Tylenol. Didn't want to mask any of the symptoms. That I knew. So then he decided to do a physical. And that is when I remembered that I was still half dressed. The doctor looked pretty annoyed that my pants were still on and instructed the nurse to get me undressed. He disappeared for a while and when he came back was interested in my lungs and my neck. He was worried about meningitis. I had three x-rays taken. One in the exam room and then they wheeled me into the x-ray room and did two more. One full front and one to the side. At 10 a.m. the nurse said my white cell count was down to 1. That doesn't even seem possible to me but who am I to argue? I guess the chemo is really working. Anyway, the doctor came in and gave me a choice. I could stay in the hospital and take my antibiotics or I could go home and do the same. I really had no desire to stay there so I took my meds and headed home. But now I am to stay away from crowds and basically keep away from anyone just in case they are contagious with something. I am just going to stay home for a while until I have more energy. And now my throat is sore so I guess I do have something going on. Warm salty water gargle does help.


Funny thing though. I have a friend who lives in Oakland. Over that last three years she has had three parties that I have been invited to. Andy had his stroke on the date of the first party. The second one I can't remember what the deal was but he was again in the ER. And this time I was in the ER. I'm thinking that from now on, if she invites me to a party, I'm just going to pack a hospital bag and have it ready! Maybe that is what I have learned. No, I think I have learned that I am not as strong as I think I am and I must take better precautions. I need to think about how much I can be out and avoid crowded stores and school and the like. It just isn't worth the risk.


This week we have been showered with food and meals from many families. Thank you, Didi and Jerry, Liz and Keith, Lynn and Art, Jen and Brendan, Connie and Marc, and Jane and Eldon. Everything has been delicious. You are very much appreciated.